Whether you like it or not, time ticks away and either we regress or there is progress. Staying the same is not an option, for there is an incessant battle that raging on for our souls.
People inspire us to change, either by their example or by their advice. Circumstances change us, either willingly or by force and God's mercy is in both. But, we are changed nonetheless, all orchestrated by God who passionately knows us, actively protects us, and continually defends us.
Somewhere in the last 8 months the path I traveled on diverged. Some would say they saw it coming, its a natural process, change, and being in a country for 8 months is a breeding ground for change. I saw it coming, but I guess I thought rooted meant stagnancy; not spiritual stagnancy, but personal stagnancy. 

When the fork in the road came into focus, I breathed in a lung full of polluted air, breathed it out--in a long sigh that I am know for-- , and scared out of my mind, but assured to my core, that the Lord passionately knows me, actively protects me, and continually defends me, I stepped unto the more intimidating of the two paths.

And what I am finding, learning, pondering, and experiencing on what sometimes still is frightening a path is what I plan on blogging about for the next few posts.




Forever changed, perspective permanently altered, & with love,

Sometimes we fight & claw our way to a place where we can say "yes" to God, not because we know we should say "yes" but because our very bones desire it.

And sometimes, after a long time of "yeses", He changes the question, and we say "yes" again. 

But we don't choose "yes" because its easy, because its not, its gut wrenchingly difficult to say "yes" to God and it takes insurmountable courage to continue choosing "yes". And it takes courage because He requires every piece of our being--everything that we unknowingly hold unto.

And so, I like to say that we always have a choice. As true blood bought children of God we have two choices, choose what is "good" or choose what is "best".

So, the reason we say yes again, is because it is what is best for us. We say "yes" because we have been awakened to the beauty that we find in Jesus when we choose "yes". the faithfulness He shows, even in the messiness of it all,  is even more difficult to bypass-- once you have fully experienced it.

And we learn the Lord has used the "yeses" that our hearts have spoken and graciously He has changed the very eyes through which we see things.

And the Lord is good, that's why He changes the question, BUT our answer should never change.

Will you say "yes"? Yes, to the invitation from our Savior. Yes, to what He is requiring of you. Yes, to what He wants you to leave behind.

This is the paradox that is my life. It is where I have learned that when two extremes collide within me, nothing but beauty bursts forth.

I am running with all my strength unto the Lord, and at the same time He and I are walking hand in hand at a constant pace. I am living and walking in sweet communion with Him, and at that very moment, I am gasping for breath as I arrive at His feet.
A familiar combination of emotions constantly overwhelms my senses. Tears well up and spill over leaving a trail, and its not sadness, but it is, and its not joy, but it is. Joy and sadness confined in one body is difficult to understand, and it is a dense emotion to carry. Most of all, it demands to be felt.
Feeling joy and sorrow simultaneously is redemptive. I fail to put to words why that is so. Maybe it is because the joy is un-moveable, and the sorrow is valid. Maybe when two opposite truths stare each other in the face redemption oozes out. Maybe when sorrow trickles down from our King--the Man of Sorrows into the well of my Joy that is in Him, I am changed.

And maybe when the Lord looks down, He doesn't labyrinth of paradoxes that I need to straighten out. Maybe He sees beautifully intertwined truths, realities, emotions, and events. Maybe I am meant to feel everything all at once, or maybe I am supposed to sort it out and let Him redeem me through it. Maybe He means to teach me how to live hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. (2 Cor. 4:8). Maybe the paradoxes reveal more truth about God's greatness than they reveal about my inability to avoid contradiction.

Now I know that when paradoxes inconvenience me, I still have more to learn.

The porch door is open escorting the warm air in; the roommates are all gone; my Bible and my books are on the coffee table; its just me.



The irony sets in that I am sitting here, 38 hours away from leaving to El Salvador, and I am in a state of nostalgia...I haven't even left yet!

Besides coming to college and some vacations, I have never gone anywhere. Even in all those times that I have gone somewhere, I have never had this feeling in my bones. Never. 

I believe that if the LORD is takes me somewhere, He intends to change me in the process. He is all about His Glory, and conforming me to the image of CHRIST brings Him glory.

The stirring is excitement and expectation, and it causes my insides to burst with yearning.

In most of the books that Paul wrote, he so wonderfully talks about his desire to be with brethren. He longed to be with the people who rejoiced in the LORD with him, and with those who were faithfully laying him down before the throne in prayer. He desired to return to fellowship with them and to share in the blessings and sufferings of Christ with them. He wanted to greet them with a "holy kiss" and I imagine a hug as well. He could not wait to see them and talk about all the LORD has done. He desired a true relationship that flowed directly from the LORD.


Imagine how communication worked back then... Send a letter, hope it gets to the designated place, wait weeks/months for them to receive it. Then, wait months to receive a response. If that isn't long enough, I imagine Paul was moving from place to place as the LORD led him and as his responsibilities required him to. Plus, he spent a lot of time in prison or on boats, how would letters get to him there? Quite a tricky situation.

What I find so beautiful is that Paul's longing did not interfere with his work. His longing did not debilitate him. No, it was the opposite. His heartfelt desire to see them allowed him to pursue the LORD boldly. Paul knew that the LORD would reunite them in His timing and that joy would overflow.

His desire and longing to see his brothers/sisters was a manifestation of the LORD at work in him and in those around him.

That up there, what I just stated and that verse, is something that I am still getting used to.

By the Grace of God, I am blessed to be able to miss some of my brethren without sacrificing my focus.

So, I sit here ready to embark on this journey with the LORD to El Salvador and yes, I long to see some people, but the LORD has made it a blessing and not a burden, for nothing,  no height, no depth, no power, no principality will separate my life from the will of the LORD.

It is surreal that I find myself about a semester and a half away from graduating college. As I let that statement settle into the depths of my mind, questions arise, emotions run wild, and hopes rush in.

I have absolutely been avoiding writing. That in itself is my motivation tonight.

Sometimes, we should do exactly what we avoid. That way we not only tackle the problem, but we wrestle and get messy with the reasons behind the lack of motivation or lack of time time, or, in my case, discover what we have been doing instead of doing what I was putting off.

If I had to pick an adjective to describe the last two weeks of my life, it'd be illuminating.


If I had to pick a noun to describe the last two weeks, it'd be Jesus Christ.


If I had to pick a verb to describe the last two weeks it'd be, make [known].

As a Junior at a major university, the future is always a topic. Recently, mine was a blur with a specks of clarity.

Graduate school? Graduate early? Graduate on time? Don't graduate at all? Live here? Live there?
Job there? Job here? Two jobs? One job? Home? Here? There? Nowhere?


Never have I felt like a true student. Never have I thought myself to be here just for an education. No, I do not think that is why I am here. I'm just passing through, doing the will of the LORD in this season, in this place. I just so happen to be enrolled at this university.

This past semester those questions above tried endlessly to swallow me up. They crashed down every so often whispering lies and telling tall tales. They tried to make me believe that I needed to continue down the path set before me by a curriculum. They flaunted prospective success in my face, and made me think I had no choice.

Because of this, I was in a mental battle with the LORD about my future. I was confused, and that is a understatement. I longed for clarity and revelation. I cried out for direction and guidance.

This is what I found.
No one ever told me that this world would try to make up my mind for me in every way. No one ever told me that society penetrates every single aspect of life if I am not careful. No one told me that the education system, although beneficial to some, can be a hinderance more than a blessing.