Joy Instead of Blame

This December the Lord totally rocked my world and showed me where my purpose stands. He called me out of my career path and gave me a better, more impactful & greater calling. A calling that has been there since the day He washed me clean. For so long, my vision was foggy because I kept pulling myself down. My relationships were my fault, my emotions were my fault, my thoughts were my fault, so I stayed there awhile, soaking in all the blame and my self pity, as if I didn't have a Savior who conquered over those very things. 

Gosh, I hate self-pity.

Recently, God awoke me from the hazy place between slumber and functionality.  The LORD was still moving and working, but I was asleep, how that works I have no idea. So I made a choice, to go after that calling with all that I have. It was a great moment that I had sitting on my bed. "This is what I called you to", was all that I could hear. I felt like my insides were going to jump outside of me. It was great.

It took me awhile to tell anyone. I did that because I wanted to really know that I was willing to go after this calling. I didn't want someone’s reaction or anyone’s opinion to taint my own decision. I kept it to myself all together. I didn't tell my mom for a week, and I only did because I blurted it out when we were talking about the LORD

And now, I cannot contain my joy. I really cannot, because the LORD is so good, He has always been good. Without me doing or saying anything He has given people a heart of confidence not for me, but for Him in me.

Before, verses like Ephesians 1:4, "For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight." and 1 Thessalonians 3:13, "May he strengthen your hearts so that you will be blameless and holy in the presence of our God and Father when our Lord Jesus comes with all his holy ones.", were true of other people, and sometimes true of me, but definitely not when I did something wrong. 

I'm not used to that. Not even a little bit. I'll tell you why... Satan is a liar, that’s why. I gave him a foothold. For a long time, I thought that I couldn't do anything right. I thought everything I did was wrong; I couldn't escape it. I expected rebuke after rebuke from the Father. I blamed and blamed myself, and then I blamed myself some more for every little thing. I twisted everything to be my fault and I carried that so heavily. It was exhausting, but somehow I found it rewarding. A distorted view of Grace, I know

But now, now I can see it everywhere. I see it in the way people give for me to go to El Salvador. I see it in my relationships. All these people, they believe that the LORD can bring things to completion in me. WOW. That is so new to me.

Reasons from blame/self-apathy, to functional saviors, to mistaken views of my brothers and sisters in Christ, are what defined the “grace” that I was living under. I was accustomed to having confidence in the LORD working in other people, but I bought the lie that I was too much. But no, never me; I do everything wrong; I feel too much; I cry too much; I love too much; I am too faulty

I always knew that I had worth because I knew that JESUS died for me and I loved Him for it, but my worth rested on my usefulness. As I failed, worthlessness took over. I put my value off for later, shoved it on a dusty shelf. Maybe one day I wont be such a failure in all that I do. Maybe, one day, I will be who the LORD wants be to be without messing up. Maybe one day, I can love without being too much. Maybe one day, I can love women as broken as myself without questioning my own worth. 

Like the overwhelming bout of satisfaction that comes from breaking something in the moment of intense emotions, the LORD has shattered all those lies. He did this through His power and through all the wonderful brothers and sisters around me. I’m talking like globally and even though people of the past (through books and stories). He has showed me that not only through His presence and His touch, but via all the people who choose to believe that the LORD reigns above all my past and all the lied and all my stupidity. 

And, the most beautiful thing is that I BELIEVE it too. I do.

A genuine higher level JOY has taken over, and I'll never be the same.
Even more beautiful than that is the truth that I’m not the only one who is worth it in the eyes of the Savior. We all have value.

Choose to look past all the lies; fight for the truth and stand upon it. Choose to believe that you are never too much for our King, and that your failures past, present and/or future do NOT discount the CrossOur worth rests in JESUS, it flows from His Love and He never withholds it from His children.

Daughter of the Most High, in the eyes of the Father, you are spotless, clean, and beautiful.


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