Joy Instead of Blame
This December the Lord
totally rocked my world and showed me where my purpose stands. He called me out
of my career path and gave me a better, more impactful & greater calling. A
calling that has been there since the day He washed me clean. For so long, my
vision was foggy because I kept pulling myself down. My relationships were my
fault, my emotions were my fault, my thoughts were my fault, so I stayed there
awhile, soaking in all the blame and my self pity, as if I didn't have a Savior
who conquered over those very things.
Gosh, I hate self-pity.
Recently, God
awoke me from the hazy place between slumber and functionality. The LORD was still moving and working, but I was asleep,
how that works I have no idea. So I made a choice, to go after that calling
with all that I have. It was a great moment that I had sitting on my bed.
"This is what I called you to", was all that I could hear. I felt
like my insides were going to jump outside of me. It was great.
It took me awhile to tell anyone. I did that
because I wanted to really know that I was willing to go after this calling. I
didn't want someone’s reaction or anyone’s opinion to taint my own decision. I
kept it to myself all together. I didn't tell my mom for a week, and I only did
because I blurted it out when we were talking about the LORD
And now, I cannot contain my joy. I really cannot, because the LORD is so good, He
has always been good. Without me doing or saying anything He has given people a
heart of confidence not for me, but for Him in me.
Before, verses like Ephesians 1:4, "For he chose us in him before the creation of the
world to be holy and blameless in his
sight." and 1 Thessalonians
3:13, "May he strengthen your hearts
so that you will be blameless and
holy in the presence of our God and Father when our Lord Jesus comes with all
his holy ones.", were true of other people, and sometimes true of
me, but definitely not when I did something wrong.
I'm not used to that. Not even a little bit.
I'll tell you why... Satan is a liar, that’s why. I gave him a
foothold. For a long time, I thought that I couldn't do anything right. I
thought everything I did was wrong; I couldn't escape it. I expected rebuke
after rebuke from the Father. I blamed and blamed myself, and then I blamed
myself some more for every little thing. I twisted everything to be my fault
and I carried that so heavily. It was exhausting, but somehow I found it
rewarding. A distorted view of Grace, I know.
But now, now I can see it everywhere. I see it
in the way people give for me to go to El Salvador. I see it in my
relationships. All these people, they believe that the LORD can bring things to
completion in me. WOW. That is so new to me.
Reasons from blame/self-apathy, to functional
saviors, to mistaken views of my brothers and sisters in Christ, are what
defined the “grace” that I was living under. I was accustomed to having confidence
in the LORD working in other people, but I bought the lie that I was too
much. But no, never me; I do everything wrong;
I feel too much; I cry too
much; I love too much; I am too faulty
I always knew that I had worth because I knew that JESUS died
for me and I loved Him for it, but my worth rested on my usefulness. As I
failed, worthlessness took over. I put my value off for later, shoved it on a
dusty shelf. Maybe one day I wont be such a failure in all that I do. Maybe,
one day, I will be who the LORD wants be to be without messing up. Maybe one
day, I can love without being too much. Maybe one day, I can love women as broken as myself
without questioning my own worth.
Like the overwhelming bout of satisfaction that comes from
breaking something in the moment of intense emotions, the LORD has shattered
all those lies. He did this through His power and through all the wonderful
brothers and sisters around me. I’m talking like globally and even though people of the past (through books and
stories). He has showed me that not only through His presence and His touch,
but via all the people who choose to believe that the LORD reigns above all my
past and all the lied and all my stupidity.
And, the most beautiful thing is that I BELIEVE it too. I do.
A genuine higher level JOY has taken over, and
I'll never be the same.
Even more beautiful than that is the truth that I’m not the only
one who is worth it in the eyes of the Savior. We all have value.
Choose to look past all the lies; fight for
the truth and stand upon it. Choose to believe that you are never too much for our King, and that your failures past, present and/or future
do NOT discount the Cross. Our worth rests in JESUS, it flows from His
Love and He never withholds it from His children.
Daughter of the Most High, in the eyes of the
Father, you are spotless, clean, and beautiful.
