I've written you a letter before. In it, I warned you against your desire to flee exactly what you knew you needed, which has always been and still is Christ. I warned you against your capricious mind and accusing tendencies. I urged you to stop kidding yourself and to stop willing yourself into sin.

Those words still emanate truth, but today, I write with a different purpose. I am here to speak into a specific area that you have no idea is hindering you.

It'll take you until the middle of your 20th year of life to fully realize that differences are to be treasured and not condemned. And, it won't be until somewhere after your 21st birthday that you will fully embrace your differences instead of tediously converging them to look like those around you. 

The little voice inside your head that wishes for a common name, because Yessenia is just too different and hard to pronounce, will one day be silenced. 

But as for now, you will dye your beautiful dirty dark blonde hair, that sweeps across your face, brown. You think you did it to defy your mom's authority, but really, you dyed it because you gets so many compliments on your hair that you just want to them to stop. 

In relationships, you will sacrifice all your likes and desires to fit the person you're with. All because you think that to disagree and be different from them means that you don't belong together. 

Junior year of high school, you will choose friends over authenticity and hesitantly venture into the party world. A world where you will become engulfed with lies that will taint how you see everything. Living there in that world, you will learn to become exceedingly manipulative, and less and less like yourself. Slowly, you blend into the crowd with how you act, with what you like, what you wear, what you say/how you say things, what you think, what you desire-- you become a ghost. It is a scary thing to give up your voice, but you will love every second of it. You have fought so long to be like everyone else, it almost feels like a triumph when you achieve it. You don't have to work to suppress who you are because by letting people make up your mind for you, you slowly you fade further into the background until you are gone.

Let me tell you something, you were not created to blend in. Yes, I know everyone says that, but I have proof. You were created by God and God does not make mistakes. Before you roll your eyes, let me tell you that one day you will come to know that beauty, freedom, and healing that Christ. He knew your parents would name you Yessenia. He came up with the idea to make your hair not fully brown but not fully blonde either. He gave you the weird knees and elbows that you pretend aren't there. Trying to hide all those physical qualities is more hurtful than helpful. It denies that beauty that was bestowed onto you by God.

Now, let me tell you something about your skewed idea of what relationships should look like. I must confess that your misconceptions of relationships will not change for a few years, even after knowing Christ and walking with Him. Not because He isn't able but because you wouldn't let Him. For some reason Satan really likes to use your idea of relationships against you and for some reason sometimes you let him.

STOP IT!! 

If you simply accept that differences enhance relationships instead of hindering them, you will save yourself tons of pain and blame. If you embrace that God has given you different experiences for the sake of His glory, which is something that you will one day be concerned about-- at about age 18--, you will save yourself tons of identity crises and confusion.

Even after you come to know the freedom that is Christ you will naively seek a community where you can fade into. An inner voice will arise and it will sound like those around you. You will go along with it for a bit, but you will figure out that it is not from Christ. It will suffocate you because God has given you a unique perspective and an unquenched desire for truth. Those two things cannot and do not fade. They were meant to take you higher up and further in. Accept that uniqueness, and rejoice in its properties. Most importantly, live like that is true.

Written Nov. 19, 2011 in the post  , "I Can't Whisper Either".

...stop ignoring what your heart keeps telling you. Stop kidding yourself. Stop pretending. Stop seeking out confusion to ease your weary soul. Stop tuning out your mother's prayers, and stop pretending she is not praying them. Stop trying to run from the Lord. Stop willing yourself into sin. Stop talking yourself into death.

Stop.

You were meant to live.

From the beginning of time, you were created to drink deep from the well-spring of life.

Now, turn! Turn, from where you are heading. Run; go unto the Father, find your place there. That is where you belong. Place your security in the family of God. Stand strong as a daughter of the Most High. 

Also, stop dying your hair to defy authority and to stick-it to peoples opinions. What kind of reasoning is that?! Plus, your natural dirty blonde/light brown, highlighted in the summer hair is beautiful, even if your mom is the only one who tells you so.

Love, 

Your 21 year old self.