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So, I write this to my 17 year old self:

Yessenia,

You think your parents are the ones who need transformation. While that may be true, they are not the only ones who need it, you need it, your life depends on it.

Sorry to break it to you, but you are not able to whisper and your reasoning will make not sense to others, just like your family. You will become like your mother in that your faithfulness to those whom you love will bring a bittersweet, but rewarding pain, and your humor will be sprinkled with some of your dad's wittiness.

There will come a time where fighting with your parents, will for the most part, cease. There will come a time where you will view your family with a new set of eyes, but first...

My mother is the strongest woman I know. All of my life, until now, I had mistakenly dismissed my mother's strength for a weakness. To me, her courage was stupidity, and the humbleness that effortlessly flowed from her, I denoted a weakness.

Society screamed lies at me of what a women was, what defined her, what was demanded from her, what she lacked, and what she could offer. What defined her was her social status. What was demanded from her was ruthlessness. What she lacked was mercy. What she could offer was her body. As a wayward child, I soaked it all in. I drank deep of it to the point that I choked, only to regurgitate it back to those who challenged it. The one Godly person I knew, my mother, became a picture of what not to be, much-less become.

The moment the LORD came into my life, He challenged all I knew to be true. That is what He does, and He does it so graciously. Even though He challenged the definition of a woman that the world spewed at me, I held on to it for a little while longer. For about a year, I continued to let society and relationships define what a woman was.  

Then, two years ago, a tired and weary teenager set out with God on a journey to find out what a woman really is. I can show you the tear stained place in my journal that spells out that request.

These past two years have been a form of detox for me. Detox, not because society's lies are that deep or because the redeeming power of Jesus is weak, but because a part of me perceived that the lies were easier to abide by than the truths. I was the product of the lies. THAT was the hard part; I lacked courage.

"Take heart", was what my Savior said, and there began a painful, wonderful, enlightening, soul stirring adventure that I am still in the midst of.

I dove deep into scripture holding fast to every single mention of a woman. I read, reread, and read agin the stories of Sarah, Rahab, Ruth, Mary, and the servant women of the New Testament looking for every angle of applicability and truth. I prayed for the LORD to allow me the privilege to meet REAL women. Authentic women, women not untainted by society, but women victorious in Christ. An unfathomable yearning began to permeate I all did; I ached to be the women He foresaw me to be when He formed me in my mother's womb. 

He took my prayers and unrolled the answers before me. The stories of woman from the Bible have become a comfort to my soul. They remind me that perfection is not what God looks for; instead, He looks for a willing heart and an obedient spirit.

Since then, I have met my mother for who she really is, a woman of God. I am able to fellowship with her and see her like the LORD sees her. I have also had the opportunity to meet other women who have suffered long and rejoiced much in the LORD. I have been blessed to meet some women via the beauty that is technology and others in person.
*pictures at the end

That ache that was born two years ago-- to become a woman after His heart-- has only gotten stronger and deeper. The difference is that now I know that in CHRIST I am that woman who He designed me to be. He sees me as His own. He sees me as beautiful.

He has also gone beyond my prayers, as He tends to do (Ephesians 3:20) and has given me people who speak invaluable truths into my life. Through them, He reminds me that I am precious. He gives them eyes to see me as He does.

Still more, one of the most treasured gifts I have gained is a courageous heart. A heart protected and lead by Christ. Courage is attribute of a true woman.


To this day, if you look around me you will find very few woman of God in my immediate surroundings, but I am not alone. Though very few woman surround me, that is also a blessing. It is a privilege to delve into prayer, a privilege to develop my God-given passions, a privilege to take my definition straight from the sweet and mighty lips of my God, and a privilege to long for my Savior to say well done.