There are many topics that crowd the list of things I want to write about. I have thoughts about today being my last day of summer, tomorrow being the unofficial start to my last semester as an undergrad. My sister and I now share a room; I could go on forever about how its a great but terrible idea at the same time. Plus, feelings about this weekend run rampant through my mind, both good, bad and in between. All of the above permeated by thoughts about Jesus and how He works, and what He says.

So, this is a letter to myself. A trail of consecutive phrases marked by punctuation written to myself as I sit here in my living room with LOST on in the background, cramps in my abdomen, and left over custard in my freezer.

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Dear Me,

Ahh tomorrow begins the shuffling of papers, the late night phone calls, the endless emails, and the jingle of quarters as they tumble down parking meters. Oh, and thats just work. Two weeks from now will begin the luxurious strolls to class, the mindless scrolling through powerpoints, the learning through diffusion (ha), and the fight to stay awake at 2:30pm when your eye lids are just too heavy.

In each of those moments, keep your head up and shoulders squared. For three years God's grace has kept you untainted in the midst of a mainstream, Big Ten University. You have been preserved, but not unchanged. That is the most important thing to remember. Don't only remember what He has kept you from, but also what He has not kept from you. During these three years, the tears were not kept from you, the pain was not kept from you, the joy was not kept from you, and His power was not kept from you. Welcome this last semester as another opportunity to be impacted, and a chance to influence those who surround you.

Ahhh this weekend, a plenitude of inspiration and beauty overshadowed by periods of discouragement. Remember that even though your words may have come-off lofty the LORD can still use them. The moment words disperse into the air, He has the power to redeem them for His glory. Remember that even Jesus was un-welcomed in His hometown. Remember that even though you have fallen even after knowing the Truth, His blood still covers that. Most importantly, remember you cannot change hearts. You cannot will people into believing.

That covers the periods of discouragement. Now, to the periods of beauty. How diligently God seeks you. He places people around you and places you around people. He accomplishes His work of bringing glory to Himself without your help.

He brings His loved ones to Himself in contrasting ways. Each person He brings differently. By His design, all with pain, sorrow, heartbreak--only because we are too stubborn to see Him otherwise-- but the differences lie in the individuality He gave us. I cannot pretend that He pursues His children in the same fashion. He takes into account how we mourn, how we rejoice, how we love, how we speak, how we dream, and He love us in those places and call us to Himself with intricacy and intimacy. There is so much beauty in that, I can't even put it into words-- that alone is comforting.

I know you'll read this again one day and I want you to know that even beforehand you knew that the next five months will be a roller coaster, and thats okay. In the chaos, find peace in Christ. Even when you read this, don't settle for anything. You may not have someone telling you this, but you are a powerful woman of God. The LORD endlessly roars that truth over you. So, don't sell yourself short by taking the easy way to anything.

I rambled now, and you probably still ramble then. That also is okay.

Sincerely,
A younger you.

We were not made for here. 

I want to cling to that, white knuckles, blisters, scabs and all.

This is not our home.

Take a minute and soak that in. Let it trickle deep into your very being; the same being that so often longs after the temporary.

We are pilgrims.

Its so pregnant with implications, so full of challenges, so packed with hope, and so saturated with freedom.

We were not created for a place like this.

It is a constant battle of the flesh and the Spirit. When life gets too comfortable and the troubles stay at bay, this is the hardest to believe. And in the content stillness of this life, there somehow remains a never ceasing notion that there is more... a more that is unparalleled to the now.

So, if even in the midst of comfortableness lies a deep angst for the place that NOT here, then I will give it its due respect. Everyday is a gift. A gift of aching.

When yearning occurs to its truest sense, it sparks something within us that makes us servants as we wait. It makes us the people that the LORD designed us to be because we not only yearn to be with Him, but we desire to please Him meanwhile.


It makes the reward that much more valuable. The promise of our Father becomes more magnificent when nothing else compares, when nothing else alleviates the burning to meet Him.

My longing is for the day where my soul will be at home in the arms of the Father, gazing upon the face of the Maker, singing praises at the footstool of His throne; for our home is not home without our LORD.

This December the Lord totally rocked my world and showed me where my purpose stands. He called me out of my career path and gave me a better, more impactful & greater calling. A calling that has been there since the day He washed me clean. For so long, my vision was foggy because I kept pulling myself down. My relationships were my fault, my emotions were my fault, my thoughts were my fault, so I stayed there awhile, soaking in all the blame and my self pity, as if I didn't have a Savior who conquered over those very things. 

It is surreal that I find myself about a semester and a half away from graduating college. As I let that statement settle into the depths of my mind, questions arise, emotions run wild, and hopes rush in.

I have absolutely been avoiding writing. That in itself is my motivation tonight.

Sometimes, we should do exactly what we avoid. That way we not only tackle the problem, but we wrestle and get messy with the reasons behind the lack of motivation or lack of time time, or, in my case, discover what we have been doing instead of doing what I was putting off.

If I had to pick an adjective to describe the last two weeks of my life, it'd be illuminating.


If I had to pick a noun to describe the last two weeks, it'd be Jesus Christ.


If I had to pick a verb to describe the last two weeks it'd be, make [known].

As a Junior at a major university, the future is always a topic. Recently, mine was a blur with a specks of clarity.

Graduate school? Graduate early? Graduate on time? Don't graduate at all? Live here? Live there?
Job there? Job here? Two jobs? One job? Home? Here? There? Nowhere?


Never have I felt like a true student. Never have I thought myself to be here just for an education. No, I do not think that is why I am here. I'm just passing through, doing the will of the LORD in this season, in this place. I just so happen to be enrolled at this university.

This past semester those questions above tried endlessly to swallow me up. They crashed down every so often whispering lies and telling tall tales. They tried to make me believe that I needed to continue down the path set before me by a curriculum. They flaunted prospective success in my face, and made me think I had no choice.

Because of this, I was in a mental battle with the LORD about my future. I was confused, and that is a understatement. I longed for clarity and revelation. I cried out for direction and guidance.

This is what I found.
No one ever told me that this world would try to make up my mind for me in every way. No one ever told me that society penetrates every single aspect of life if I am not careful. No one told me that the education system, although beneficial to some, can be a hinderance more than a blessing.