what i see if i look to my left.

i finally got over the fact that blog posts can only (or should) be written in a dim-lit, wooden laden, aromatic, cozy coffee shop with an attached instagram of the drink of choice. instead, i decided that sitting cross legged on the floor, trying to correctly position my expanding mid-section, and with my new puppy next to me, squeaking away on his chew toy, was just as acceptable of a setting as the aforementioned one. so, not being able to make it to a coffee shop nor longer constitutes as an excuse for not writing-- plus the smell of coffee makes me nauseous and where would i leave Mimo while i circle the internet in-between thoughts and writing.

my life does not permit the dim-lit coffee shop scenario and i don't think it will-- for some time at least. the question that remains is, "why was i trying to jam myself into that place?". have i seen it so many times on ______ (insert social media here) that i subconsciously made it a rule i had to live by? does a wooden table and a cup of joe make me words more valuable or more impactful?

__________     __________     ________     __________     ________     __________     _________


we've all heard that many times, sung it in worship, or written it in our journals, but than why do situations or expectations like the one i described above plague our everyday life??

if we are here, we want to be there. if we feel as though the Lord is calling us to go, we stay--or at least hesitate. if we are gifted in this, we try to do that. not all the time or in all things of course, most of the time we are sure of what we must do and by his the power of His Spirit we carry it through.
BUT what i think happens, is that in some area or space, or in some unresolved or unmet desire doubt creeps in and we let people, social media, or our own selves decide what we must do, or how we must do it.

i've known for sometime that in one way or another the Lord uses my writing, and as it pertains to writing, for almost two years i've done all i mentioned in the last paragraph. i've been there instead of here, i've hesitated, and i've doubted what He can do through writing.


how cleverly the enemy uses it and how easily we fall into it. yet, in the same way, how clearly the Lord has given us a way out of the trap.

so, what i ask of you all and what i require of myself, is that to not let those things out there including yourself/myself decide how, where, when i must do something, or what i must do. let only the Lord show you and go about it only as the Spirit guides you even when it looks unlike anything else you hear or see out there.

stop doubting how to do things, what you must do, and when to do them; have courage. once you hear...act. if you haven't heard... ask. walk in what you know with full assurance.

__________     __________     ________     __________     ________     __________     _________

maybe one day, i can make it back to Espresso, as i did in my college days, and stay there from 1pm 'til close, or maybe when i get that chance i'll end up doing something else instead. what i know i must do, is have courage to stand firm in who He says i am so that i can do what He has set out for me to do.

today, it meant hanging out with my two brothers, and then stringing these thoughts together into words.

what have He set you out to do? Have you done it?

I've been absent awhile, and I will not apologize for it. Although not all the time was well spent, it was time learned from.

I'm still here in the Mexico City, the capital of my parent's home country. Four months have come and gone, and I am tired, both the good kind and the bad kind.

I can no longer differentiate between Spanish and English in my mind, not that I could much before, but any trace of a line has disappeared. Ill start a prayer in English and flow into Spanish and end with a combination of both. 

Writing feels like home today, and not many things feel like home these days. Thats not because I'm over 2,000 miles away from where my family and friends are, but because I'm longing these days, more than I ever have before, to be where He is.

There might be a disconnect between some of the things that make their way into this post, but I trust the the Holy Spirit will fill the space between my incongruities.


Last night, between tacos and cleaning the kitchen, I heard the call to pray. Its always gentle at first, like a distant rushing river. And with mercy the gentle rush turned into a roar and there was no use ignoring it-- even if i wanted to.

So, I ran, literally ran, to the rooftop. Not knowing where to start, I blurted out, "I'm here", and the conversation flowed from thereon out.

Photo taken by Philippa Goodwin

Then, I got stuck; I hit a wall of sorts. I'd like to think that the Lord brought me to that wall to get past it. And the flow stopped. But as in a river, when the flow stops the pressure builds up behind it.

For a moment I stood there, looked around and held my breath. Then with eyes open, and almost no breathe within me, I crumbled. First, bent over releasing air, then gasping for it, but I just couldn't take in. Then to my knees where the air began to fill my lungs, where my meaning-filled silence echoed all around me and where steamy salty tears darted past my lips.

I got over the wall, or maybe i swam under it, or maybe it went through it, Im not really sure, but I overcame it. And it was only by repentance, sincerity, and mercy which was walled up behind me by way of His presence.

And it was then when the rubble was floating around and the dust was settling that I heard the Lord speak. It was the same voice that had called me to pray, but this time His tone had changed. It was less the voice of a Lover and more of a Father. Concerned, serious, and in a lovingly yet rebuking tone He asked me,


The call to pray is becoming more and more familiar these days. Most times it doesn't need to get to the deafening roar--something about my ears becoming more attuned to it. 

Are your ears attuned to the call? You can only get attuned to something via two ways, discipline and exposure. Come to Him; learn from Him.