Over-thinking.

I got asked why I over think things. 

I won't lie and say thats the first time I've been asked that, nor will I say that I haven't asked myself the same thing at certain points in my life.

Yesterday, I'm sure the question was meant to be rhetorical with a side of humor. 

Everyone knows that women over-think almost everything. 

Instead, this question opened up a semi- healed wound. A wound that is no longer bothersome unless you pick at it or hit it against something and then it bleeds.

Oh, it surely bled. Not in a life threatening way, but it a way that the blood flow allowed re-clotting and an even deeper healing.

Then, a realization came like sudden rain on a sunny day, over thinking is my way of protecting myself. This plays out a bit humorously because in certain situations I do not deal well with silence. In the silence of a conversation or in the stillness of a relationship my mind goes wild. Literally, it is a field day for what ifs and worries. Several alternate circumstances and meanings spew forth from reality, and I dwell on it. 

I dwell on it because I'm scared. I get scared that something I said will come back and bite me in the butt. I fear that I misinterpreted something at some point so I go back and cover all my bases so that I will not be blindsided by a heavy hand of pain. 

Instead, what happens is I end up missing the sweetness of the moment, and the beauty of what is.

God help save me from myself.

CONVERSATION

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